Christmas Dawns

Soon Christmas will be upon us again and I can't help but wonder how Christmas has evolved for me.

It goes without saying that most of us probably woke up to our fair share of presents. And that's how Christmas was all about to me, to many of us. But as we grow older, we learn that Christmas isn't about waking up to opening presents.

I slowly lose that childish wonder of Christmas as I grew older. But instead I woke up to nothingness. I think like of people out there, we seem to have lose the meaning of Christmas. I know I lost mine because I forgot what's it really like to celebrate Christmas.

I honestly wish I knew why I'm typing this out and not playing Battlefield 3 instead. Maybe there's still this small shimmer inside of me who knows that I must write this down because this is important to open up myself and talk to myself inside of me.

Late Night Musings

I just felt the need to share this tonight. Life's been rather eventful. I'm in the midst of wondering how will God help through my hard times.

At times I really need to take one day at a time and not focus too much on the future. Much as I like to do soul-searching tonight, I feel that I need to just take myself out of that zone and just relax in music that uplifts and reminds me of a God who exist out there.

I can see that God help me to remove the restraints that people have placed upon me by sending to a far away land where I can really be accepted and learn to accept people in return. I wonder how things will be different if I chose to stay back and never venture out into the world?

Would I be the same person or would be this totally different person whom I will not recognize? But all the answers to these questions will probably never exist. I see that every single path that I took leads to who I am today. It hits me that I tend to dwell a lot whether taking the left or right path will matter, but in reality, it will never matter at all.

Like Steve Jobs said, "You can only connect the dots once you look back." And I see the truth in that, I ponder a lot of the things that has happen and ponder why did it happen? But now, I see the dots slowly connecting and making more sense.

In the end, I did do some soul-searching. I feel lighter.

In Memory of a Friend.

Death has a weird way of coming to you. For me death has always occurred to someone who is much older. In the last few years, I lost 3 uncles in 3 straight years. Then I lost my great-grandmother and grandmother. For me, maybe that’s why I never felt genuinely effected because I was either too young or too still naïve in the world to understand death.

But this summer, I received news that one of my friends has passed away. In an instant, my heart was gripped with fear. Losing a friend who is roughly the same age as me never did occur to me. Never did I think that death would visit a friend of mine at that young, yet I should know by now that death do happen it happens to people. But in an instant that very night, my sense of security crumpled around me as I drove home that very night.

I called to a few of my friends and the funeral was tomorrow. Tomorrow? That was rather too soon for someone who just passed away. I thought about legal procedures and I wonder why the family wanted to get the burial done so quickly. Nevertheless, tomorrow came and I went to the funeral. At the funeral, I was reunited with some of my friends and some I have yet to seen since I returned home. Even though I joked and laughed with them on jokes we shared, I felt wrong and this feeling stayed within me for the whole day. Maybe because it’s was a funeral of a different religion and there was only the feeling of sadness and despair that hung so heavily in the air.

Once the funeral was done, I drove away with a heavy feeling and even though I had concert to go to. I could not shake the feeling that I should be mourning and not be enjoying yet. But like many events in the world, the only way was to move on. Eventually I moved on with her death because the dead stay dead, there isn’t anything I could have done.

I now write this because it is time I honour her now as a memory. A memory and a lesson. A memory of which she was to me and too many others. How we all enjoy her being around us and how funny she was. That will forever be engraved to my memory and I will not forget that. A lesson to me that death will visit the people around me when their time has come.

But do I fear death? I’m not too sure at the moment. At the moment I’m not prepared to meet death. I hope to meet death and be like the Perevell brother who chooses to remain from death till he was ready to meet him like an old friend. The normal man does not wake up every day and think it is his last day on earth. But isn’t that a luxury at times? The fact that we are still able to plan out our lives ahead of us and be hopeful of the future.

But thanks to my dear friend who has gone ahead of me, I will still remember you every time I see something that reminds me of you and chuckle to myself. Now everyday seem different, I see things differently, I live maybe more on the edge now? Whenever or not, this event has influence my life, I sense because of your death, change has come to me. Right now I won’t know what the change will be as it will be slow and subtle. But like many life lessons we learned, it is only when we look back that we can trace what has happened to us and then only can we piece together the puzzle.

And every June 23^rd, I will take the time to reflect and remember you of the brief short time we interacted with one another. It is my heart’s desire that we would one day met again. So I won’t say goodbye because I hate those but rather I will say “Till we met again someday.”

“Death is but next the great adventure.” Dumbledore.

Shot it & burned it.

After a long time, I think it's really time to speak out my mind about things. I normally have kept them inside because there wasn't the need to approach the subject. Consider this a spoiler, I will rant my heart out about how some people have treated me and I WILL slap them back in the face for what they have done to me.

Yes I may sound like a huge coward shouting from across the hall than being straight up in the person's face. But let's face it, would I rather go to his home right now and yell in his face? No, I don't do that. I would look like a complete jerk who has time to waste. Instead, I'm going to do this rant here so that everybody knows what a jerk you once were to me. Do take note that I was once a nice guy and would kiss everyone's ass. But no, I've changed I'm no longer that nice guy.

Readers who will read, I will not ask for your sympathies nor will I ask you to take sides. Be mature to know that they are two sides of the story and mine is but one of the other half. I could be at wrong for doing things I shouldn't but that would be mean the other party should be diplomatic about it and talk about it instead of choosing to slap me in the face. This rant will be the ungodly side of me and will you read swear words.

But let's begin,

In high school, I remember once how naive this teen thought I was threat to his girlfriend. I'm actually going to laugh at this one because he was such an insecure bastard. I was never part of his group of friends because we just don't click on interest. So physically, who wouldn't want him? He was tall and lanky and I'm sure he look handsome to the girl (which she did confess on day 1). She made it very clear to me on the first day of school, she likes him. I didn't like her because I had someone else in mind. I think the whole school pretty knew I was in the hots for another particular girl.

From what I gathered, I think he and she hooked up middle of the year? Things like this never go public in homeschool anyway seeing it's almost a taboo. Now I remember getting her a converse purse because I think noted that her purse looks badly roughed up. So I offer something like that for a birthday. (Yes dear readers, I made that naive mistake of getting her the purse. But I wasn't a man who breaks promises.)

So I got her the gift, and I didn't think any further than that due to the fact that I had to worry about getting out of school and actually going to college and like I said, I was after another girl. Then one fine night, I decided to SMS (or text) her at night because she didn't come to school and was wondering how she was faring. And here comes the drama;

5 mins later, I received a SMS from a different number to stay the fuck away from her!!! Now this got me wondering, how would he or she know that I SMS her and only 5 mins later to have someone telling me off? I leave that to the reader's imagination.

Inside me, I knew that he and she are probably hooked up by now. But the tone of the message suggests that I literally stole his gf from him. I mean come on, if the girl didn't want me to communicate with her then just tell me off, not send your jackass boyfriend to turn me away. Now you probably wondering why I didn't call back the number that just SMS me. Well it's simple, I was 18. Still a naive young man, not interested in conflict. So the next day, I let it slide and nonchalantly mention to her that if she did send her "dog" after me, don't it do the next time. Tell me in my face and I will take it.

Several months later, after I have left the school. I decide to try my luck again and see if the issue was just a fluke now. Surprise surprise, I got a message from maybe the same guy telling to FUCK OFF!!! And he had even the guts to tell me that her brother was backing him up on this. Now I did confirm later they were dating together.

At the end, I refuse to go to that year's school camp because of how they label him as some first-class Christian and list down all his so called abilities. The fact that the camp coordinators paint him in some positive image disgust me. That and some of his lackeys were never a company I prefer and even though it was my last opportunity to enjoy a school camp, I turned it down because I will not put up with him being the leader of the camp.

That's one junk I drag out the closet. Let's move on to more.

Enter my first semester of college. Here was what sorta was the entry to that specific day when it happened here

Yes I apologize for my Engrish back then. Being 18 can be pathetic.

If you cannot understand what happen, here's what happen. I was sad because just 5 weeks into my semester I was literally told I didn't belong to that group. Now readers may ask, "What's wrong with that?" But when I was 18, I was such a young naive person who believe everyone was supposed to somewhat treat me good because I have done the same.

But guess not. After all, I was just the driver, the person who is willing to kiss your ass, the newbie in college. Now I may have deserve it, I may have not. But I know now for a fact that shouting in my face that we didn't invite you because we didn't want you is a cold slap to the face.

Because let's face it, I cannot ignore it if half the college are planning to go to 1U on V-day. And let's face it, I wanted to join the group. But yup, instead I got a nice cold slap to the face telling me that I don't belong to that group. A friend of mine told me to leave them be and they are just assholes. Looking back, I think the guy, I mean pussy now that its out of the bag was an asshole for bitch slapping me in the face.

Now excuse me for a second. I go to a so called Christian college (Note that I said so called), I was expecting some sort of appropriate response from fellow human beings. Shouting in someone's face is always the dumbest thing to do to another and it creates bad blood. Granted shouting does get the message across, but is it worth it? Till this day, it still boils my blood when I think of how ill he treated me.

I next blogged this line, "Heck, I feel like none of them are acting as a Christian. Only a shirt Christian."

Funny thing was, not only the pussy who told me off the day before confronted me on the fact that I BLOGGED about it. He even had the guts to tell me off that I shouldn't have done that. Of course I remember that I try to reason with him saying I will take it down. But no, he told me to keep the post and thanks to that advise, that post remains where it is. He may have reblogged about me but I honestly couldn't care now. My time at college went to the pits thanks to him. I no longer truly enjoy my college experience because of the animosity between us and how later, college would be influence by YOUR dirt that people eventually felt alienated because of different courses.

I for one was GLAD that the video was done without you involve because your words would be like fine poison to some with all your SHIT about college being a family I would probably just walked out and never looked back. And it took a death of someone to eventually slowly mend those wounds you indirectly cause.

And oh, another guy came up to me and told me that he felt insulted in the above statement. OH WOW!!! Somebody actually thought that the post was meant for him and I directly insulted him by telling that you folks are a bunch of shirt-wearing Christian. And the funny thing is, I never mentioned their names in that post and he felt it. I should deserve a freaking medal for nailing him right in the spot.

Awww, feeling angry that I just insulted you for being a shirt Christian? Well, if I had the balls back then, I would just have told him to "FUCK OFF!!! And grow a set of balls. You shouldn't feel insulted nor concern about it since I didn't mention your name, and that if you felt it that means you are guilty for being one."

If your life isn't right with God because let's face it; College > God. I don't think you actually CAN come up to me and tell me off for writing this because that's how I felt and you should be mature enough (too soon?) to deal with it appropriately. I have my own struggles to deal with back then and I do not deserve to be shot.

And oh, apparently I become to play thing for the seniors later. Dealing with immature things like "Teacher I cannot concentrate because of a laptop infront of me" is so much fun. And then waving away telling me it was a joke later after class is just the way to make sure we all have fun.

Like every post I have blog about, I will not mention the names of the people whom I blog about because I still have some sense in me and will not tarnish their image.

If by any chance, that these 4-6 jokers found this blog. I hope this will remind what sorta jerk you were to me and hope that we all have grown out of that. It is my sincere wish that I no longer carry this baggage of unforgiveness and anger in my heart anymore. If you thing you have been mistreated by this post, well too bad. I was mistreated, I was thrown around. I was nailed for supporting her over you and guess what, she was right. You turned out to be *** and how I laughed that something that was always denied is now out.

I can now honestly say that I'm dragged all my anger and frustrations out and shot each of them in the head and now they are being burned over a stake.

Now that's over, I do gently remind that they are two sides of the story and this is mine. I'm not here to buy a sympathy card. I'm here to tell you that I was mistreated and this is how I'm going to let go: by blogging it and telling my story to the whole world. If these 4-6 jokers are think that are men and not pussies, I dare them to write me back about this. Again, I do not expect an apology but if you have the guts to slap in the face again. Do so, and post it back here.

And lastly, to whomever ends up reading this. I apologize with my heart that I have directly or indirectly hurt you with my words and my actions. I have no excuses for them and only ask that you forgive me.

I'm now walking forward without looking back.

Cheers...

-ZimS-

Who Am I?

Who am I?

As I lay in my bed, unable to sleep but awake enough to have thoughts just swimming in my head. Like everyone does, I'm sure every now and then there are some nights where we just can't sleep because of something that bothers us.

Such as tonight, I ponder who am I?

To some, I'm quite the cynical, jerk and mean person to some.

While others, I'm appear to be somewhat as a normal individual with a few deep thoughts every now and then.

But here I am, unable to sleep because I ponder on who am I?

I know for a fact that I cannot be the nice guy that I sought for years back. I believe that nice guy has gone for a long journey and probably will never return.

I often see myself holding both a light and a darkness in my hands. I know that I could never be the person full of light all the time nor can I ever become the darkness that I hold. Maybe it was because I almost killed a man and that's when the change slowly happens. Or was maybe it was when someone told me of his struggles in life that not everything will always be positive in life and there is a time when I feel like I could do the extreme because no one else can do it but me.

But I know for sure, that I'm no longer a nice guy. Because in reality, nice guys are going to finish last and I won't look back on that road. I know there is a verse tied to whomever is first will be last and last will be first, but to me I couldn't care less about that.

I also think that God is somehow preparing me for something huge to come. I feel that the last 7 years has become what is known as the preparation for something in the coming 3 years. It almost feels like I can do something because I have almost nothing to lose.

It is human nature to want man's approval. We crave it and we need it. There is no denying that. I for one is an example of that. I sorely wish for something from someone but I dare not move or act because I choose to honor God first and I paid the price for it. It made me a hard, colder person who doesn't expect anything from anyone. And so I numb myself by becoming who I am today. Not optimistic about people at times and always ready for disappointments.

Do I cling unto hope? Maybe. I'm beginning to lose sight of my goals and cease to just live everyday as it is. No longer expecting God also to provide yet knowing he does. Truth is, I don't know my Father in heaven. I no longer yearned for His touch, I no longer crave for His presence at times and I know He knows that I go through.

Some of you might conclude now that I suffer from depression or that I have changed a lot to something even darker than what I was. Truth is, I think I allow myself to sink into this pit just to test God. But some say "Don't test God." But my reasoning is that I won't know who God is until I lower myself to a level where I truly know darkness. As the saying goes, "To know the light, one must know the darkness," and I truly believe that.

Try as I might, I cannot be too overly cheerful anymore nor overly optimistic about life anymore. I simply exist each day, believing that my strength is carrying me because who really remembers God everyday now? But at the end, I look at myself 5 years ago before I started my college years, I have changed from:

An emotional-moved to a logic-base person.

Believing in the best of people to skeptical of people

From a cheerful person to a person who is colder and harder on life

Being a really nice guy to a "lawfully good" person with a broken moral compass

I may change in the future, or I may not because I'm comfortable where I am. I like it here, where I don't have to worry about what others think about me anymore or what some perceived me to be.

I don't know how long I will remain in this desert but I do know that it stretches for miles in each direction and I don't see the way out. Maybe one day a trickle of hope will just flow into me again to begin the healing process. But for now, that hope that I have been clinging on is slowly disappearing.

My apologies if this blog post seems clustered and confusing. I choose to write as I go along as this is just how my heart speaks to me. To those who came here because of a message, it is because I trust you. I do not expect sugar coated words nor I do not wish harsh criticism from anyone. You are here because I trust that you would help me seek to understand what kind of man I have become and hope that would continue to bear with me till that day comes.

Cheers.

-ZimS-

The Dawn of Awakening

The end of another Narnia movie. Watching the Voyage of the Dawn Threader became the most tear-jearking Narnia movie for me. What is there to say it? Seeing a physical representation of Jesus in the form of a lion moves my heart every time and Lewis Carol has done a magnificent job of representing creating the character Aslan.

Every time I see Aslan, my spirit is somehow moved into tears. I wonder is it because the spirit-man inside me has been so dry that seeing Jesus, just overwhelms it and I feel it. Or is it because that my heart desire and intimate experience with God and yearns from a touch from Him? Whichever the case is, my heart moved me to tears as I rode this on my journal.

The final scene when Edmund, Lucy and Eustace when Aslan its time for them to go back proved to be the best scene for me. It seems cruel that Aslan told Edmund and Lucy that they would no longer come back because they have learned all they can from this world. But at the same time, he gives hope to them telling them that they should looking for Him.

Another scene worth mentioning, is when Reepicheep lays down his sword and shows submission to that he is willing to give up the sword to go on to living with Aslan. What joy it is, to see Christian being told "Well done, good and faithful servant." But as time goes on, we find ourself too busy and we lost our main focus in life which is to be a servant of God.

But like the many of us, our desires and wants consume us and we become so focused that we forgot our very reason for being on earth is to glorify God. At worst, we cease to become servants of God but still carry the name Christians because for some they still need some sort of identity. But then, what's the point of then being a Christian then?

If we are not seeking to be better, how are we not different then the next guy who has moral principles. Gandhi asked us Christian why are we don't act like Jesus. Of course we can argue, we are not Jesus and can never be like Him. But that does not mean we should stop trying to be a better person.

Being a Christian is never easy. there was no easy road, the moment we decided to become followers of Christ. There will always be hard decisions to make further down the road, when the time comes. But, we should always strive to a bigger goal which is to put God's command first and not our desires first.

What set us apart from the rest of the world, is that we faith in our God who would reward us when the time comes and we have the hope that God has provided us through his Holy Spirit. My 10 years of solitude has taught me hope that I will get the one instead of looking for her now. God has sustained me the last 7 years without me knowing and I acknowledged that God through the working of many people has led me to become who I am today.

Happy Chinese New Year

Gong Xi Fatt Choi!

Which means Happy Chinese New Year and what a new year it has been. Thanks to the snow storm, I have 2 classes cancel!!! Yay!!! I started the day playing 2 extra hours of gaming! I know!!! It's so not productive! I should have gone to sleep and dearly hope that I wake up in Ipoh and going out to gather AngPaos (little red packets with money inside).

At least by now, I would have ate a lovely reunion dinner. Drank maybe 1 bottle of beer with my dad (Yes, I drink), getting ready for 14 days of excitement of visiting relatives houses, snacking on their snacks and eating their food and repeat that for the next 14 days. Yes, Chinese New Year is celebrated for 2 whole weeks and we normally get 1 over week of holidays.

HA! Beat that you Americans and your Thanksgiving celebrations. Of course, you would argue that Black Friday is something that you could beat us. But why bother going shopping once a year for crazy discount, when we have it three times a year? That's right, we have a nation-wide shopping discount every year. One during January, another one in June - September and lastly in December for the year-end sales. Malaysia is FTW when it comes to celebrating various religion & cultural holidays. And no, St. Patrick doesn't count for you. All you guys do is dress up in green to get drunk.

And yes, let's not forget speaking in Cantonese or Mandarin or something that is not American English. Oh my gosh, I miss just talking with all my slangs and dialects than speaking such an uptight American dialect. I constantly feel the pressure to speak American English just cause most of them would not understand my accent and slang. America for the win.....

Yes, contrary to popular belief that everything is celebrated in November, we celebrate our new year late January or early February. Only a few certain ignorant people would believe that everything they celebrate its at the end of the year.

But no, I woke up to snow and more snow. Bummer... And oh, the snow storm? It was horrible. I took video of it as I was walking back from the Poling Center to Steeby House and wow, it's certain quite a sight and walking on deep snow. Makes me want to go shoot some pictures but the wind was killing me. 15mph wind is not fun at all.

At times like this, don't we all wish we have a teleportation devices and the ability to teleport like Hiro from Heroes? Think about it, I could totally do my classes by day and party by day! Or even attend church or cell group seeing how my Friday mornings are now free. But all that wishful thinking would just go to waste, but I sincerely hope that 1 day I would wake up like be able to teleport or have some abilities. Yes, Heroes has definitely left an impact on me.

And this year is the year of the Rabbit! Yup, if you were born exactly 12 or 24 or 36 years ago, you're a Rabbit! So that means you would have dress up as a Rabbit for the next 14 days. Don't worry, the Easter bunny would understand; I made sure he/she was all right with people dressing up like a Rabbit. Here's a brief summary of those born in the year of the Rabbit:

Occupying the 4th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Rabbit symbolizes such character traits as creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. Rabbits are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others. They also prefer to avoid conflict. In confrontational situations, Rabbits approach calmly and with consideration for the other party. Rabbits believe strongly in friends and family and lacking such bonds can lead to emotional issues.

Yes, Rabbits are great people. My childhood friend is a Rabbit and I gotten along well for the last 22 years. And he's now hanging on my wall as the testimony to that. Good man, pity we got an argue about who's better in gaming, and clearly I was better.

And the author does not condone any sort of problems if you find out that your best friend or spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is not compatible because you researched what year you were born in and he or she is not compatible because of being in a different year as you.

So to my friends in Malaysia, Chinese New Year is awesome, but for the love of God please don't post every status update concerning how great it is. On behalf of the people overseas, we KNOW how great it is.

So Gong Xi Gong Xi, have a great Chinese New Year ahead, and don't overdo the drinking!

Cheers...

-ZimS-

Snow Storm

After a year & 7 months,

I return to blogging once again. Maybe I can actually make it a weekly thing now for me but don't hope just yet. I have yet to find a real purpose to why I blog yet, seeing how I see my pictures on Facebook can be describe as a blog instead.

I been encouraged to blog by my professor at the university, telling us how important social media websites have become which is rather true. But let's leave that for another time seeing how my post is entitled "Snow Storm."

So there's this big hype that a snow storm is off epic proportions. Even a facebook event page has been set up for such a thing. They're calling it Snowpocalypse 2011 (and they do have amazing pictures). Yes it does seems like an end of world stuff with 19.5 inches of snow expected.

19.5 inches of snow? It does seems like a lot isn't it? For those needing reference, it's about 3 foot of snow and to those needing reference that's up to your waist if your an average height person. For those who are not the average height, I'm sure you have a decent amount of imagination to help you.

Truth to be told, I'm not particular worried about a power shortage, or being buried in snow, or force to stay indoors. I'm actually worried how are we going to celebrate Chinese New Year this year! With all the snow, the Malaysians on campus are very low on groceries and any plans to make a Chinese New Year dinner will be dashed away.

And the only thing that could excite me is that I wake up tomorrow and find out my classes for the next 2 days is canceled! But that probably will happen when there's like 6 inches of snow and that won't happen here. The only thing canceled was a club meeting at 8:30pm, so that means I just waited for pretty much nothing while I typed out this entry. So my take on this coming snow storm? Nothing exciting, just more snow to count whenever I get too bored.

A friend on mine describes snow as, "You know how sometimes there are people who are really pretty but you wouldn't wanna be around them in real life and it's same thing with the snow."

But I beg to differ. I like the snow. It's just that I don't like the wind. It's like a package you know, you know you don't want the soft drink (or pop for you Americans) in your McD or Taco Bell meals simply because the milk shakes taste way much better or a nice hot coffee. By the way check out Crystal Cha's blog for the above quote. She's probably will entertain you more than me with her charming personalities.

YES!! GO NOW!!!

On an unrelated note, it seems Malaysia has been raining a lot and it sucks now that I half-way across the world experiencing a cold harsh Chinese New Year instead of a somewhat cooler Chinese New Year back home. On behalf on all my Malaysian friends overseas, we all know how much that sucks to be away from the glorious food, angpaos, and the drinks. Seriously, -8C is the definitely the weather to have some brandy or whiskey.

I really wish I could just drink some right now, but because I signed an agreement that I cannot drink during my school year which I'm constantly remaindered by my roommate, my salvation only lies in Ipoh White Coffee and Milo.

So I guess I would have to end now, I'm getting cold and lonely just sitting in the Poling Center Lobby writing this out. I should go start counting snow soon.

Cheers...

-ZimS-

The Return.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

-ZimS-