Sometimes I ever do wonder why I let myself to pull out the knife that is in my heart? While the wound heals, it plunges again into my heart.
I felt this so long ago, never did I want to feel this again. Yet somehow, twice I felt that something I have grown to love be taken away from me again.
Then this brings the question on why should I seek companionship in this love that I have nurtured. Twice it has come, only this time I felt that it more personal. And if I attempt to join it, I feel that I should not since, the saying "three's a crowd" comes to my head.
Which makes me wonder sometimes why I'm always alone? As life in this world progress on, I wonder, I realize that the closer I get with someone, the harder or rather the pain when they separate and move on. As a think of it, I realize most of my frens whom I grew attach with often moved on so fast that I'm left out.
And then I hear this very small voice on the back of my head saying "You'll always be alone." It whispers me to yet hit the hardest. How I long for a companionship that can really last and yet I can always tell. But for this problem can't be shared to that person for the problem lies with me and the problem is about the person.
How it turns out to be a pain that I just want to walk away and never return. How I wish I could just turn off my feelings and not care. How I just want to... be loved and to love one another...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My two attempts...
So my last two days at attempting to eat Carl's Jr. has failed miserably
Why? It's because of those BLASTED MALAYS who go there and order their food and like stare at them until 7:20PM.
For goodness sake people, why not you just go take it away. I don't care if you have to screw your fast plans but will it be too hard for you like to NOT eat there? There are people LIKE me who has yet to taste of 1 of this delicious burgers and you all crapped up like tuna or sardines to be slaughtered in there.
Blargh, that said also I don't get to eat it anyway. Two whole days stuck in the jam towards MV with Nas and Gal. All hopes gone down the drain those two darn days. I blame Nas for the first attempt for finishing her work late XD.
Well, on a positive side, Gal and me saw a hailer person around. She was so intentively eating that she didn't notice both of us infront of her :P
And I also bought a new CD which I wanted for sometime.
If you guys can't recognize her, then no worries, she's a Jap artist. So to those who don't listen to J-pop need not to be ashamed XD.Her name is Yuna Ito, I like her music cuz it's kinda like a erm how would I say it, has a positive upbeat in her music and yeah it's nice to have a break away from Ayumi and BoA sometimes.
Hey, even Gal listens to her music, so yeah that means Gal has good taste of music to those who question my taste of music. And he listen to like to quite some of the updated songs on the radio now unlike me who listens to my iPod wherever I go.
Anyway, I can't really stress much, since I have hunger pangs now. On a last note...
Next time Carls Jr.. Next time I WILL GET YOU!!!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Christianity 1500 years ago and today...
Okay the article for this update is actually in my CG's blog.
So click here to check it out.
I strongly encourage those who visit my blog to check it out. As Joel, is one of most influential in my life, his teachings are an eye opener. So do pay visit and read the article. Cheers...
So click here to check it out.
I strongly encourage those who visit my blog to check it out. As Joel, is one of most influential in my life, his teachings are an eye opener. So do pay visit and read the article. Cheers...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My Chair....
So after 6-8 years of service, my wooden chair finally gave way. Thankfully, went I was sitting on it I could feel that the chair was slowly giving away.
Still it was weird have your chair "sinking" slowly. Must be how a person on a ship felt like when it was sinking.
Still it was weird have your chair "sinking" slowly. Must be how a person on a ship felt like when it was sinking.
Monday, August 25, 2008
What has really been eating up my time...
As the title says,
I have been actually spending at least a hour a day to do my devotion. Normally I would do up to two hours straight but is not often.
Why I have been focusing so much on it? Well I started with this goal at the beginning of the year to finish my church's devotion book. Normally my church will start the year with a new devotion book. This has been a tradition for the last 27 years I think. With that goal in mine, I pushed myself to do more devotion.
The reason why I have been pushing myself was that I have been slacking really far back. As of now I'm doing week 12 of my devotion and guess what? It's week 35.
That means 22 weeks = 154 days to catch up.
Phew, a long way to go eh?
Normally, I would journal my thoughts about the recent devotion that I do. So sometimes, there's a lot to write about and then I would have to read a few bible chapters for my Through-the-Bible Reading Plan.
What my devotion book does is that we go week by week a topic of a book in the bible. Like currently, I studying about the book of Isaiah. The devotion book will then go through the entire book in 7 days, picking up important verses. What I like about it, it's that rather simple reflections of the Bible.
It isn't really dry like some of the previous book that I read and lost my interest. I would actually encourage people to really do the book (even Marwan is doing it for you college lurkers). It's rather a simple daily reflection on just a verse.
I have been actually spending at least a hour a day to do my devotion. Normally I would do up to two hours straight but is not often.
Why I have been focusing so much on it? Well I started with this goal at the beginning of the year to finish my church's devotion book. Normally my church will start the year with a new devotion book. This has been a tradition for the last 27 years I think. With that goal in mine, I pushed myself to do more devotion.
The reason why I have been pushing myself was that I have been slacking really far back. As of now I'm doing week 12 of my devotion and guess what? It's week 35.
That means 22 weeks = 154 days to catch up.
Phew, a long way to go eh?
Normally, I would journal my thoughts about the recent devotion that I do. So sometimes, there's a lot to write about and then I would have to read a few bible chapters for my Through-the-Bible Reading Plan.
What my devotion book does is that we go week by week a topic of a book in the bible. Like currently, I studying about the book of Isaiah. The devotion book will then go through the entire book in 7 days, picking up important verses. What I like about it, it's that rather simple reflections of the Bible.
It isn't really dry like some of the previous book that I read and lost my interest. I would actually encourage people to really do the book (even Marwan is doing it for you college lurkers). It's rather a simple daily reflection on just a verse.
The book is called Through The Bible, Through The Year
Now, in Through the Bible Through the Year, Stott offers orginal, never-before-published reflections on the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. These daily readings take you through Scriptures with an emphasis on both the "big picture" of the story of God and the nature of God as Trinity. Christians seeking a stronger, holistic grasp on the Bible will treasure this work that overflows with wisdom gleaned from a life and reflection by an internationally beloved pastor and scholar.
*Extracted from back cover of the book*
John Stott is without question one of the most beloved and significant pastors and authors of the last fifty years. Named by Time magazine in 2005 as one of the world's 100 most influential people as one of the 25 most influential evangelicals in America, Stott commands a huge following that defies his quiet demeanor.
Now, in Through the Bible Through the Year, Stott offers orginal, never-before-published reflections on the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. These daily readings take you through Scriptures with an emphasis on both the "big picture" of the story of God and the nature of God as Trinity. Christians seeking a stronger, holistic grasp on the Bible will treasure this work that overflows with wisdom gleaned from a life and reflection by an internationally beloved pastor and scholar.
*Extracted from back cover of the book*
Thursday, August 7, 2008
A Repost by Surviving Lame Cat By Joel Lee
Before you read this poem, I thought that it would be helpful to let you know the background of this poem.One day while I was eating my dinner with my family outside, I looked out the door, and saw a cat.It's paw was bleeding, no... The cat actually lost a paw, and the joint where the paw was supposed to be was bleeding.
Before I could start feeling sorry for the cat, something more caught my attention.The cat was digging the ground, for food perhaps. It was a tar road. There is no food there.Perhaps a cat like that do not have much intellect to know that there will be no food beneath the tar road.Yet the cat's will to live convicted me. Yes, the cat have less intellect. Yes, it was probably animal insticts.But, the conviction came when I recall the moments when I started giving up in life when I meet obstacles.It reminds me of the time when I indulged in self pity. I throw a whole pity party, as if the world revolves around me.
A lame cat shamed me. It probably won't sound very grand, but this poem, is really written in honour of a cat.A lame cat. A lame cat that is probably more inspiring than 95% of earth's population."You" would refer to the cat.
You say, "There is more to life"
I say, "Then show me what is life"
Show me things you find
Really,I don't want to be left behind
Adventures you tell - I do wonder,
Reflecting on my life - I start to ponder,
If the highest high will be too high,
Or maybe,
Perhaps like you said, "It is nigh, it is nigh"
If life's a bet,
I'm reaching my final chips,
Remembering the lame old cat,
Really,
I wonder if I'm really reduced to bits.
But now that life's a snare
I can't even reach a tie
I don't think I'll ever care
Truly,
I'd rather try, or I'd rather die
Perhaps, the lame old cat is bright
It said, "Real life, is not yet out of sight
O God, I am wrong,
Now please,
Make me right.
Despite not being made by me. I think this post is really meaningful ya? How often have we complained how tough life is. Guess we shouldn't really say that until we become like the lame cat. Figurative speaking...
Reflections...
*Repost*
How often have I looked down on people who are of lower status of me. The status which I look down are when they have lower intelligence more towards people with "Down Syndrome" or people who are so call gifted in an optimist way.
But how many times can we look at them and really say to ourselves, "I going to love them". This is one of the weakest area that I try my best to improve myself in. Having a cousin who has makes an opportunity but is still a hard task to be done. This struggle is overwhelming sometimes as I look at them that we need to love them as Jesus loves us.
I can never imagine myself fathering one of them. The idea really scares me a lot. Yes praying about it and having faith on God can be one of the solution. But, is funny that if we think more about the idea, God might just decide to drop it on me since I have such experience before.
However, they are several things that I notice, they are rather the most easiest going people you can ever meet or speak to. They need not worry about their next meal or their studies and so on. I won't be surprise that they do know that their special but yet continue living their lives even without slightest worry and the fear of shame.
As we often compare to people who of higher standard in terms of wealth, fame, talents and intelligence, we should be thankful that we have a sound mind or perfect body that we can use.
It's one of the least thing that we do when we complain about our life.
Like the poem I read, a lame cat can shame us when we say
"I can't do this anymore"
"I quit... maybe someone might pity me"
Looking at that, when we have a perfect mind and body, complain that we cannot do this and that and we start making noise so that people may start having a pity on us. But truly, is that what we want? People to pity us? Or do you prefer that you don't have the problem that is in front of you? Or perhaps you want to have the ability or power to overcome the problem?
To me, I rather have the ability to overcome my problem rather than complaining out loud to everyone. I have actually nothing about complaining problems as I have done to some people. But I would normally only confine to a single person rather than a lot of people. I never did like to tell the world my problems, it makes me look pitiful and that I need everyone to hear about it.
Do we really need to be pity in the end? Indulging in self-pity like a big scoop of ice cream, do we really want that?
Before I could start feeling sorry for the cat, something more caught my attention.The cat was digging the ground, for food perhaps. It was a tar road. There is no food there.Perhaps a cat like that do not have much intellect to know that there will be no food beneath the tar road.Yet the cat's will to live convicted me. Yes, the cat have less intellect. Yes, it was probably animal insticts.But, the conviction came when I recall the moments when I started giving up in life when I meet obstacles.It reminds me of the time when I indulged in self pity. I throw a whole pity party, as if the world revolves around me.
A lame cat shamed me. It probably won't sound very grand, but this poem, is really written in honour of a cat.A lame cat. A lame cat that is probably more inspiring than 95% of earth's population."You" would refer to the cat.
You say, "There is more to life"
I say, "Then show me what is life"
Show me things you find
Really,I don't want to be left behind
Adventures you tell - I do wonder,
Reflecting on my life - I start to ponder,
If the highest high will be too high,
Or maybe,
Perhaps like you said, "It is nigh, it is nigh"
If life's a bet,
I'm reaching my final chips,
Remembering the lame old cat,
Really,
I wonder if I'm really reduced to bits.
But now that life's a snare
I can't even reach a tie
I don't think I'll ever care
Truly,
I'd rather try, or I'd rather die
Perhaps, the lame old cat is bright
It said, "Real life, is not yet out of sight
O God, I am wrong,
Now please,
Make me right.
Despite not being made by me. I think this post is really meaningful ya? How often have we complained how tough life is. Guess we shouldn't really say that until we become like the lame cat. Figurative speaking...
Reflections...
*Repost*
How often have I looked down on people who are of lower status of me. The status which I look down are when they have lower intelligence more towards people with "Down Syndrome" or people who are so call gifted in an optimist way.
But how many times can we look at them and really say to ourselves, "I going to love them". This is one of the weakest area that I try my best to improve myself in. Having a cousin who has makes an opportunity but is still a hard task to be done. This struggle is overwhelming sometimes as I look at them that we need to love them as Jesus loves us.
I can never imagine myself fathering one of them. The idea really scares me a lot. Yes praying about it and having faith on God can be one of the solution. But, is funny that if we think more about the idea, God might just decide to drop it on me since I have such experience before.
However, they are several things that I notice, they are rather the most easiest going people you can ever meet or speak to. They need not worry about their next meal or their studies and so on. I won't be surprise that they do know that their special but yet continue living their lives even without slightest worry and the fear of shame.
As we often compare to people who of higher standard in terms of wealth, fame, talents and intelligence, we should be thankful that we have a sound mind or perfect body that we can use.
It's one of the least thing that we do when we complain about our life.
Like the poem I read, a lame cat can shame us when we say
"I can't do this anymore"
"I quit... maybe someone might pity me"
Looking at that, when we have a perfect mind and body, complain that we cannot do this and that and we start making noise so that people may start having a pity on us. But truly, is that what we want? People to pity us? Or do you prefer that you don't have the problem that is in front of you? Or perhaps you want to have the ability or power to overcome the problem?
To me, I rather have the ability to overcome my problem rather than complaining out loud to everyone. I have actually nothing about complaining problems as I have done to some people. But I would normally only confine to a single person rather than a lot of people. I never did like to tell the world my problems, it makes me look pitiful and that I need everyone to hear about it.
Do we really need to be pity in the end? Indulging in self-pity like a big scoop of ice cream, do we really want that?
Results...
Okayyy.... I'll do a quickie update... since I have people rawring at me already...
What I got for this semester was
3 B+, 1 B, 1 D...
But hey, no failure... Guess that's a win for me...
*note to self, rant and pour out my anger on NOT going to Passion*
What I got for this semester was
3 B+, 1 B, 1 D...
But hey, no failure... Guess that's a win for me...
*note to self, rant and pour out my anger on NOT going to Passion*
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Bit down...
Bit feeling a bit more than the usual downess lately. It's this feeling where I get left out in a few things and there just kinda makes me feel erm left out. Sometimes, I struggle with my inner thoughts and wonder why am I being left out.
"Maybe I'm not really liked around."
"Maybe they find me too far to contact."
"Maybe I'm no longer wanted?"
"Maybe I grew distant?
This questions and statements tend to hound me whenever I feel left out. It's just sometimes I wonder why we even need friendships. As they tend to grow apart, as time take place. So far, I have yet to find one that really I mean really sticks to me and you know ask on how I am and catch-up.
It feels like I'm really alone sometimes and it's getting harder to deal with such things since the mind has a lot of more questions and possible answers. It's a pain to see friends going or hanging out with friends and you kinda watch from afar and wondered was it ever possible for me to be there with them and treated with like one of them?
I wondered if Grace felt it this way, but I know the ending for hers is a sad one. So how would I avoid such a end? It's always a pain to know that once the meeting or outing with friends is over, I feel that I probably will not have just great time with them anymore.
Maybe, it's after all this years of being alone and the feeling of being letdown too many times, that I became to always expect things to go downhill after a fun time? Maybe I am lack of attention that makes me feel this way. I'm rather tired and just wish I had some sort of emotional support that I can cling upon to.
Even I approached the exams and holidays with a heavy spirit knowing full well that I just won't be called out or even given a proper motivation for the next exams. It's just maybe that I'm mentally and physically stressed out inside of me.
I know I can place my hope in God, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. I think that doubt can play a role in such things.
"Maybe I'm not really liked around."
"Maybe they find me too far to contact."
"Maybe I'm no longer wanted?"
"Maybe I grew distant?
This questions and statements tend to hound me whenever I feel left out. It's just sometimes I wonder why we even need friendships. As they tend to grow apart, as time take place. So far, I have yet to find one that really I mean really sticks to me and you know ask on how I am and catch-up.
It feels like I'm really alone sometimes and it's getting harder to deal with such things since the mind has a lot of more questions and possible answers. It's a pain to see friends going or hanging out with friends and you kinda watch from afar and wondered was it ever possible for me to be there with them and treated with like one of them?
I wondered if Grace felt it this way, but I know the ending for hers is a sad one. So how would I avoid such a end? It's always a pain to know that once the meeting or outing with friends is over, I feel that I probably will not have just great time with them anymore.
Maybe, it's after all this years of being alone and the feeling of being letdown too many times, that I became to always expect things to go downhill after a fun time? Maybe I am lack of attention that makes me feel this way. I'm rather tired and just wish I had some sort of emotional support that I can cling upon to.
Even I approached the exams and holidays with a heavy spirit knowing full well that I just won't be called out or even given a proper motivation for the next exams. It's just maybe that I'm mentally and physically stressed out inside of me.
I know I can place my hope in God, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. I think that doubt can play a role in such things.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Grief...
Today a friend of mine lost of one his good friends...
His name is Jason, a great friend who I come to know during our homeschool days. He lost a girl that he was interested in. I urged you all to visit his blog to give him words of encouragement and pray for his well being.
His link is here.
A song I found very meaningful during these times.
The song is called Held by Natalie Grant which introduce by Su Yen.
-ZS-
His name is Jason, a great friend who I come to know during our homeschool days. He lost a girl that he was interested in. I urged you all to visit his blog to give him words of encouragement and pray for his well being.
His link is here.
A song I found very meaningful during these times.
The song is called Held by Natalie Grant which introduce by Su Yen.
-ZS-
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Influencial friends...
Today, being uber hyped. I went crazy and spam at various blog I visit. And passing by this blog by the name of Paul Leong(boyboy), I saw a nice blog post about friends. And said to myself "Awww so nice picture and so much dust on his blog." XD
So yeah, *drum roll*
AH CHU!!!
who is also the president of Life College... I mean the student council of Life College. Did I mention he also is a talented singer who has wrote Entangled the Musical and is currently helping out also in planning for our college camp and our college prom at the year end? Also he is talented pianist and chunted MASS COMM STUDENT???
Facts:
who is the uber smart girl from the CAVE!!! Is fun to hangout with if you stand her greatness and awesomeness. Still, she's fun to hangout with XD. And with great personality comes great erm erm BEAUTY XD.
Facts:
who is my ex- cell leader and a good friend in my spiritual life. Use to belong to Inti College University but has move on to University of New South Wales. He has an almost perfect record on his studies with majority A and a few B+ in Electrical Engineering (@@)
Facts:
AH CHU!!!
who is also the president of Life College... I mean the student council of Life College. Did I mention he also is a talented singer who has wrote Entangled the Musical and is currently helping out also in planning for our college camp and our college prom at the year end? Also he is talented pianist and chunted MASS COMM STUDENT???
Facts:
- First friend to ever hit an archive on MSN chat history.
- First friend to ever plan a holiday (but never came true. LOL)
- First friend to be uber spontaneous to go watch a movie. (I mean come on who else can yes to 1 night before the movie and go the very next day.)
- Likes to work and eat a LOT (OMG @@)
- Enjoys Crys cupcakes and J.CO
- Working on an album at err the age of 19? (None of circles of friend does that)
- Loves to eat and has brought me to places that I can never imagined going there.
- One of my most impacting friends when it comes to my studies.
- Tend to be repetitive in MSN and during coursework (Your chats if u know what i meant, now put that pitchfork down.)
- HAS a blog here.
who is the uber smart girl from the CAVE!!! Is fun to hangout with if you stand her greatness and awesomeness. Still, she's fun to hangout with XD. And with great personality comes great erm erm BEAUTY XD.Facts:
- Okay la she's from Gombak to those who can't guess...
- She sings darn well (makes me pathetic cuz I really can't sing that well ><)
- She's smart!!! Always toping at every class. My dream is to be on par with her in terms of studies.
- She's not single for those who wants to know...
- Likes to play sudoku.
- One of my few friends who sleep before midnight.
- Maintains a very healthy diet which amazes to this day.
- Likes MAMEE!!! (the junk food)
- Also a great motivator and impact to my studies
- She also has a blog but rarely updated sadly.
who is my ex- cell leader and a good friend in my spiritual life. Use to belong to Inti College University but has move on to University of New South Wales. He has an almost perfect record on his studies with majority A and a few B+ in Electrical Engineering (@@)Facts:
- Became my 2nd CG leader in CYZ.
- Was one of the youngest leader to ever get such a position.
- Won the Astro Scholarship
- Speaks about VERY deep stuff. (We never did leave the CG unconfused before)
- He likes to have a good debate
- Always sees error in himself even though.
- He's very real about himself, he tells her how hard he strives to be do his QT (Quiet Time)
- Asks what looks like to be simple questions yet are hard to explain.
- Has encourage to be a better character and almost my spiritual life.
- He blog's here
And there we go I'm done. Even my mom is nagging about me blogging now @@
Cheers...
Cheers...
-ZS-
All pictures are taken from their respective blogs. I DO not owed them for I shall fear people flamming me. Please do not attack the blogger with pitchforks and grass cutter and all other sharp objects.
All pictures are taken from their respective blogs. I DO not owed them for I shall fear people flamming me. Please do not attack the blogger with pitchforks and grass cutter and all other sharp objects.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)