Twice I felt this...

Sometimes I ever do wonder why I let myself to pull out the knife that is in my heart? While the wound heals, it plunges again into my heart.

I felt this so long ago, never did I want to feel this again. Yet somehow, twice I felt that something I have grown to love be taken away from me again.

Then this brings the question on why should I seek companionship in this love that I have nurtured. Twice it has come, only this time I felt that it more personal. And if I attempt to join it, I feel that I should not since, the saying "three's a crowd" comes to my head.

Which makes me wonder sometimes why I'm always alone? As life in this world progress on, I wonder, I realize that the closer I get with someone, the harder or rather the pain when they separate and move on. As a think of it, I realize most of my frens whom I grew attach with often moved on so fast that I'm left out.

And then I hear this very small voice on the back of my head saying "You'll always be alone." It whispers me to yet hit the hardest. How I long for a companionship that can really last and yet I can always tell. But for this problem can't be shared to that person for the problem lies with me and the problem is about the person.

How it turns out to be a pain that I just want to walk away and never return. How I wish I could just turn off my feelings and not care. How I just want to... be loved and to love one another...

Bit down...

Bit feeling a bit more than the usual downess lately. It's this feeling where I get left out in a few things and there just kinda makes me feel erm left out. Sometimes, I struggle with my inner thoughts and wonder why am I being left out.

"Maybe I'm not really liked around."
"Maybe they find me too far to contact."
"Maybe I'm no longer wanted?"
"Maybe I grew distant?

This questions and statements tend to hound me whenever I feel left out. It's just sometimes I wonder why we even need friendships. As they tend to grow apart, as time take place. So far, I have yet to find one that really I mean really sticks to me and you know ask on how I am and catch-up.

It feels like I'm really alone sometimes and it's getting harder to deal with such things since the mind has a lot of more questions and possible answers. It's a pain to see friends going or hanging out with friends and you kinda watch from afar and wondered was it ever possible for me to be there with them and treated with like one of them?

I wondered if Grace felt it this way, but I know the ending for hers is a sad one. So how would I avoid such a end? It's always a pain to know that once the meeting or outing with friends is over, I feel that I probably will not have just great time with them anymore.

Maybe, it's after all this years of being alone and the feeling of being letdown too many times, that I became to always expect things to go downhill after a fun time? Maybe I am lack of attention that makes me feel this way. I'm rather tired and just wish I had some sort of emotional support that I can cling upon to.

Even I approached the exams and holidays with a heavy spirit knowing full well that I just won't be called out or even given a proper motivation for the next exams. It's just maybe that I'm mentally and physically stressed out inside of me.

I know I can place my hope in God, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. I think that doubt can play a role in such things.

Updates

I'm back after a long long break from not blogging. So what's been in my life? At college, the "honeymoon" time has finally end and the assignments are been send into my life at college.

My social life has been the same. Not much change, still with the crazy people almost everyday. Either going to expensive places to eat until we are so afraid to eat there for now or planning for things to do but never come through because of various reasons.

Last week, was the first time in this year, that I didn't go to my campus youth zone simply because of laziness. So there, I confessed, I was out with some friends playing COD4 again. I also had like the entire weekend off to myself. Hahahahaha.... My parents was away at Thailand on their business trip. So I had the entire house to myself. But being a good son, I didn't throw any party. And I also still did my chores. Am so proud of myself. XD

I also rearrange my room.
So neat right now? So where did all my stuff on the table when? It went here...
All that mess... used to belong to the table up there. Well at least now I have a work table in my own room.

I think I shall end here. I was just stabbed in me heart. Ahhhhhhhhhhh..... No camera for me......

-ZS-

*Edited*

Okay I'm back... after playing Generals I feel better. So what did I move exactly? Here's what I did...

Basically, I swapped the writing table and the display table.

It took me quite some time to move it around. The display case was very heavy and had to use lots of strength and balance to move it. Since I got so many things being display. Well that's rather it. I think I best start using back the old camera, pictures are not that clear anymore. RAWR!!!!

-ZS-

P/S My grammar is really getting bad. A lot of wrong grammar. Too much IM talking...