So ends the year of alignment, what's next?

So end's the year of alignment...

My 2008 was a mixture of everything a normal teen will take. A mixture of good and bad, happy and sad moments, fun and depressing moments.

As I sit down and finally take time to type this out, I am reminded that I'm ALIVE to be typing this post. As I was at church celebrating the last day of 2008, I am reminded that I should be thankful of all my events in this year.

So here goes a list of what I can think of to give my thanks:

1. Thanks to God who has sustain me the entire year with His strength, His undying love, His comfort when I'm down, His wisdom, His never ending mercy on my life. To the opportunites that I am able to share my wisdom to some people and to the times where I could impact other people lives. Without you, I wouldn't be typing this and remembering that I give thanks to you.
   
2. To all my friends who has stuck to me the entire year, to all the moments we shared laughing and having fun to the times when I needed a ear to listen to my thoughts and rants.
   
3. To the great friends, those who has somehow impacted my live in ways that makes me want to be a much better person (Joel, Trisha, J. Chu, Phoebe, Marwan, Deborah Heng, Pamela Lai, May Choo, Paul Leong)
4. To Joel, who has always taught me many things and the many times we share talking about the Word. From the wise teachings that he has taught me to the times we had times talking about the Word and to the great eye openers that are in the Bible. I hope that we will always maintain this relationship and grow a stronger bond in the future
   
5. To Trisha, who is one of the best encouragement and comforter during the times I need someone to talk to. To also become another one of pet sisters to which I hope we can always be one way both a supporter and encouragement to one another.
6. To J.Chu, as one of great friends from the start of the year. To the crazy times and stuff that we did, I'll cherish those moments. To the late nights that we had talking just random stuff, to singing each other Sweeney Todd (Lol), to being a friend who taught has taught me to not shoot my mouth too much XD. Even though we may grown a distant, I do hope one day where we can be where we were earlier last year :)
   
7. To Phoebe, who I had fun being with such friend. To the times talking really fun stuff and living with your "greatness". To the times we had over the small disagreements that I can never win which always turn out to be fun. Cheers to your greatness and the thanks for the ever encouragment to make me study harder.
   
8. To Marwan, who turned out to be one of the best (and only) Iraqi friend I had. To the times where you will entertain me with your acting skills and your passion for videoing things. To teaching me some great games, that I learned to enjoy and watching you in awe when I turned out to be good? Hahaha... to that, a great friend who has entertained me throughout the year.
9. To Paul, who was willing to take me as a student. Is hard to believe that the timing was so precise when I going to start looking for a teacher in drums. As a teacher who has enough patience to teach me (and again if I forget) and high hopes for me to play as a drummer. To the many times he had to nag me to practice more (lol). And as a friend, from high school so that we can sometimes reminiscence about some friends.
10. To Deborah, whom I found a new friend that I could talk some college stuff which I find it difficult to share. To the times where we both pour our rants to each other about assignments and exams. To also an almost trip to Malacca which didn't work out in the end lol. To hopes that we can do another sometime soon.
    
11. To both Pam and May who we manage to overcome time to become great friends again like once we were so many years. To the many meetings that we had, to catch up with one another and have fun talking, to finally an outing where we enjoy not just us but a few more old friends that we couldn't meet up.
12. To my family both blood and not related, who has encouraged me when I needed encouragement. The love showed to me by my parents. Thank you.

One of my proudest moment in my year of alignment was that I managed to finish at least one journal book of my devotion. Though I didn't manage to finish the entire devotion book but nevertheless it was an achievement which I couldn't achieve for the pass few years.

Also, that I have pass my P license and I am not a fully competent driver. I thank God that even though I had quite a few accidents in my two years time, I am grateful that I finish it without receiving a single demerit to my license and I will always give thanks that I passed my driving exam when I could have failed a second time.

My year of aligment is not a perfect one, but it's a start in my story in this world. I do know now that in my walk with God that I lack the ability to pray. I somehow find myself struggling in just like spending time talking to God.

To one of the greatest lesson I was taught and will most likely never forget which is that not everyone will become a leader by title. This lesson was taught to me by Joel who showed me in the James 3:1 "My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment." I have learn that I need not to be a leader by title but just a person who serve the Living God and when I serve Him, I will surely one way or another lead people in ways that I could not see.

As the year starts a new, I began this year with hopes that I can be a better person in terms of spiritual and character. That I strive to become more Christ like everyday.

I welcome the Year of Influence!!!

My thoughts on...

Micheal Guglielmucci,

After sometime, I began to really think about it. Let's see how long will I ramble about him.

I first saw and met the man at the Planetshaker conference of 2004 at Sunway Convention Hall, Malaysia. It was there, I began to know Planetshaker and my passion for their songs grow.

However, when I began to grow older, I slowly began moving to worship songs over their fast-paced praise songs. From there, I find that Hillsong produce better worship song (my last album I got was Never Stop).

It was actually two years ago, when I found out that Micheal Guglielmucci was stricken with a cancer disease. My heart when out to him. I remember hearing the song "Healer" and was like awe-struck that a man who was stricken with cancer was able to write songs like "Healer" and a few praise songs. I mean, I would have a hard time finding myself to praise God when I was stricken with cancer.

When I heard news that he was recovering I was happy. Despite seeing some people on youtube saying his liar, I couldn't care less since a man is being saved now through faith healing. Then the news came out a few weeks back, when he has completely told a lie to us all.

He wasn't stricken with cancer...

To me, when I received the news, I wasn't like totally shocked. I don't know why but I was okay. He lied to us. So what? He's still a human.

On a side note, when I first received the news, I question whether or not more people will know Jesus. I had this bizare thinking that because what Mike did, he probably had more people coming to know Jesus. When I thought of it, would we give up our good name for people to come to Jesus? I would actually call this an ultimate sacrifice. Since the Bible has said that a good name is better than riches. I call this method also unorthodox since it kinda touches on an area which is very sensitive.

It's like if I do this, my name will forever be seen as bad. However, I do saved lots of people at the sametime. However, some people might accept badly and reject the gospel. Using this is kinda like two-shaped sword (not sure is that the term, but it means the plan can backfire).

When the news came out, I talked to a few people and one of them was Crystal Cha.

I enjoyed the conversation since it's nice to have a good talk about things like these and I would called it really an "intellectual" talk. Not that the rest I talked with other people are not intellectual but it's great to have someone like Crystal talked about her viewpoint. I find Crystal one of the most wise people I have met and she's younger than me. So for one to be wiser than you at a younger age is a really blessing.

When I asked her about the hoax, she said that she wasn't that surprise that the hoax came out. Since being a pastor does indeed have a lot of pressure and expectation on one person. She finds it too sudden for him to be sick and he writes a song about it. She goes on that every person (including Christians) is tempted all the time by fame and money.

Even our Lord Jesus, was tempted by the Devil to thrown himself from the temple of God to gain fame and if he bow down to the Devil, he will give all the cities that he owned. This is recorded in the book of Matthew (guys can find it yourself :) since some of us are too lazy to open the Bible, now is the chance).

Going out slightly out topic...

Both of us (Crys and me), find that Planetshakers has really became too focus on the idea of hyping up the atmosphere on worship. Not that is bad and all, but it's just that both of us finally settled down and enjoy the quiet and powerful worship songs. Personally when she compared them with Passion Worship Band, she finds them so much more humble and really no need to create a hype to make the crowd praise and worship God.

As for me, why I like worship songs is that where you can just worship God and the power is there when I worship. I feel like that's the whole point of worship and if I were to looked back at myself 7 years ago, I can say that I have changed. When I was young, I always like praise songs since it was full of movement and so on. But, one time during a worship celebration at my church, I saw an older friend of mine, singing a praise song with her eyes closed like total worship. This makes me question why she does that. Since praise songs are "normally" meant to hype out the worshippers.

As time progress on, I slowly find myself liking worship songs. Maybe it was the constant Quiet Time, or maybe I had such a great leader who impacts my life to be changed. Is just by listening to some of them, you can really just start reflecting and began to feel God's presence. Now, when I'm doing my Quiet Time, I would just play worship songs and just basked myself in the presence of God. Also one of wishes, is that one day I could be the drummer for the songs that being played.

Back to Mike,

I for one, am glad that he confess his sins. Even it will create lots of backlash; I think that his conscience is cleaner now. Imagine if he when out with the lie, how long more before he will finally confess? If it prolonged, how many more would be hurt by him? How many more will be shocked and be angry with him? I applaud him for coming clean with the lie and his addiction with pornography. It takes real guts to actually come out and say everything. What I believe is the conviction of the Holy Spirit and through the song he wrote are the main reasons why he chooses to end the lies.

However, searching online about articles about him. I am surprised that churches like Hillsong and Planetshakers have began to cut off (literally) from their churches. Even Planetshakers have begun to remove his name from most of their albums.

To check what I have said visit here

I am not happy about this. Why? Just because he has done wrong does not mean you get to remove all traces about him. The songs that are previously written by him are still strong and meaningful. I can say that songs are neither good nor bad. It's how you accept them and allow them to speak to you. Some like the song "Healer" is just so meaningful. How often can we really sing about healing when there are so many people who need it?

I find this disgraceful for the church of Planetshakers and Hillsong to remove anything to do with Mike. Even the head of Planetshakers Church has stressed over and over again that he doesn't know a single thing about Mike's hoax. Now, I find it funny since they could have like accompany him to the hospital, to the doctor's room and read the results together. It shows that sadly nobody couldn't care to enter the doctor's room with him. Sad but true. Also, a church that big will need accountability. What happen to that? Shouldn't the Planetshakers church have at least formed an accountability group with him in one?

Here's a blog post concerning taking responsibility for Mike, here

I'm here not to condemn the church of Planetshakers, I am here to tell what they could have done at least. Not to mention only Planetshakers is removing his name from their album, but even Hillsong is recalling all their copies of "This is Our God" and removing the track "Healer" from the album.

Since when the church has been so fussy about face? If it's in an Asian culture, then it's understandable but the damage is done. Why bother wasting time and money removing his name from the album when there are other things to be done?

I'm going to close soon, (feels like a sermon XD) but yeah, I also noticed that too many people are still focusing on what he has done. Sure, we might feel angry and hurt and not to mention shocked on the news. However, enough is enough; I urged people who read this post to forgive Mike as he is only human and so are you who read this and me. The next thing to do is to help him out in his problem. Isn't a church supposed to support their members when they are faced with trials and persecution?

It will only hurt Mike more if the church members choose to ignore him and refuse to help him. When that happens, are we any better? Isn't our duty as a Christian to help one another and also forgive not once but seven times seven and times it again? As I close this post, I just want to finally say that even we Christians, do fall short of the glory of God.

We are not super human who can simply resist sin and the temptation of the flesh. We ARE real people who grow through wanting to be in a social group, wanting to have attention to us. Never, assume that Christians are perfect people. We are still humans who strive for perfection in our race with Jesus.

And finally, to Micheal Guglielmucci, I give my respect to you for coming clean after two years and that you bothered to actually say it with everyone or rather to the world. My respect goes to a man who DARED to be REAL and BOLD to do so. Even some people might not respect you, despise you, know that by God's grace, we can live our lives and still be a pleasing to God.

Amen.

Phew, there goes my longest post. Now a few words who read this, I don't really expect a feedback but this post is different, I sincerely hope that you will give me feedback about the whole post. From the content of it to my grammar (I know it's not first grade) to constructive criticism about my style of writing which might to messy. I started at 1:00am on October the 11th and finish it only at 3:21am. So be a dear and leave me a feedback yeah?

-ZS-

*EDIT*

Sorry guys, just double-checked, it said that Hillsong is removing the song "Healer" in any future releases of their album "This is Our God".

Also, at their offical site which is here, you can see that the song "Healer" is no longer there for downloads. Again, I apologize for not double-checking.

Twice I felt this...

Sometimes I ever do wonder why I let myself to pull out the knife that is in my heart? While the wound heals, it plunges again into my heart.

I felt this so long ago, never did I want to feel this again. Yet somehow, twice I felt that something I have grown to love be taken away from me again.

Then this brings the question on why should I seek companionship in this love that I have nurtured. Twice it has come, only this time I felt that it more personal. And if I attempt to join it, I feel that I should not since, the saying "three's a crowd" comes to my head.

Which makes me wonder sometimes why I'm always alone? As life in this world progress on, I wonder, I realize that the closer I get with someone, the harder or rather the pain when they separate and move on. As a think of it, I realize most of my frens whom I grew attach with often moved on so fast that I'm left out.

And then I hear this very small voice on the back of my head saying "You'll always be alone." It whispers me to yet hit the hardest. How I long for a companionship that can really last and yet I can always tell. But for this problem can't be shared to that person for the problem lies with me and the problem is about the person.

How it turns out to be a pain that I just want to walk away and never return. How I wish I could just turn off my feelings and not care. How I just want to... be loved and to love one another...

What has really been eating up my time...

As the title says,

I have been actually spending at least a hour a day to do my devotion. Normally I would do up to two hours straight but is not often.

Why I have been focusing so much on it? Well I started with this goal at the beginning of the year to finish my church's devotion book. Normally my church will start the year with a new devotion book. This has been a tradition for the last 27 years I think. With that goal in mine, I pushed myself to do more devotion.

The reason why I have been pushing myself was that I have been slacking really far back. As of now I'm doing week 12 of my devotion and guess what? It's week 35.

That means 22 weeks = 154 days to catch up.

Phew, a long way to go eh?

Normally, I would journal my thoughts about the recent devotion that I do. So sometimes, there's a lot to write about and then I would have to read a few bible chapters for my Through-the-Bible Reading Plan.

What my devotion book does is that we go week by week a topic of a book in the bible. Like currently, I studying about the book of Isaiah. The devotion book will then go through the entire book in 7 days, picking up important verses. What I like about it, it's that rather simple reflections of the Bible.

It isn't really dry like some of the previous book that I read and lost my interest. I would actually encourage people to really do the book (even Marwan is doing it for you college lurkers). It's rather a simple daily reflection on just a verse.

The book is called Through The Bible, Through The Year

John Stott is without question one of the most beloved and significant pastors and authors of the last fifty years. Named by Time magazine in 2005 as one of the world's 100 most influential people as one of the 25 most influential evangelicals in America, Stott commands a huge following that defies his quiet demeanor.

Now, in Through the Bible Through the Year, Stott offers orginal, never-before-published reflections on the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. These daily readings take you through Scriptures with an emphasis on both the "big picture" of the story of God and the nature of God as Trinity. Christians seeking a stronger, holistic grasp on the Bible will treasure this work that overflows with wisdom gleaned from a life and reflection by an internationally beloved pastor and scholar.

*Extracted from back cover of the book*

A Repost by Surviving Lame Cat By Joel Lee

Before you read this poem, I thought that it would be helpful to let you know the background of this poem.One day while I was eating my dinner with my family outside, I looked out the door, and saw a cat.It's paw was bleeding, no... The cat actually lost a paw, and the joint where the paw was supposed to be was bleeding.

Before I could start feeling sorry for the cat, something more caught my attention.The cat was digging the ground, for food perhaps. It was a tar road. There is no food there.Perhaps a cat like that do not have much intellect to know that there will be no food beneath the tar road.Yet the cat's will to live convicted me. Yes, the cat have less intellect. Yes, it was probably animal insticts.But, the conviction came when I recall the moments when I started giving up in life when I meet obstacles.It reminds me of the time when I indulged in self pity. I throw a whole pity party, as if the world revolves around me.

A lame cat shamed me. It probably won't sound very grand, but this poem, is really written in honour of a cat.A lame cat. A lame cat that is probably more inspiring than 95% of earth's population."You" would refer to the cat.

You say, "There is more to life"
I say, "Then show me what is life"
Show me things you find
Really,I don't want to be left behind

Adventures you tell - I do wonder,
Reflecting on my life - I start to ponder,
If the highest high will be too high,
Or maybe,
Perhaps like you said, "It is nigh, it is nigh"

If life's a bet,
I'm reaching my final chips,
Remembering the lame old cat,
Really,
I wonder if I'm really reduced to bits.

But now that life's a snare
I can't even reach a tie
I don't think I'll ever care
Truly,
I'd rather try, or I'd rather die

Perhaps, the lame old cat is bright
It said, "Real life, is not yet out of sight
O God, I am wrong,
Now please,
Make me right.

Despite not being made by me. I think this post is really meaningful ya? How often have we complained how tough life is. Guess we shouldn't really say that until we become like the lame cat. Figurative speaking...

Reflections...

*Repost*

How often have I looked down on people who are of lower status of me. The status which I look down are when they have lower intelligence more towards people with "Down Syndrome" or people who are so call gifted in an optimist way.

But how many times can we look at them and really say to ourselves, "I going to love them". This is one of the weakest area that I try my best to improve myself in. Having a cousin who has makes an opportunity but is still a hard task to be done. This struggle is overwhelming sometimes as I look at them that we need to love them as Jesus loves us.

I can never imagine myself fathering one of them. The idea really scares me a lot. Yes praying about it and having faith on God can be one of the solution. But, is funny that if we think more about the idea, God might just decide to drop it on me since I have such experience before.

However, they are several things that I notice, they are rather the most easiest going people you can ever meet or speak to. They need not worry about their next meal or their studies and so on. I won't be surprise that they do know that their special but yet continue living their lives even without slightest worry and the fear of shame.

As we often compare to people who of higher standard in terms of wealth, fame, talents and intelligence, we should be thankful that we have a sound mind or perfect body that we can use.
It's one of the least thing that we do when we complain about our life.

Like the poem I read, a lame cat can shame us when we say

"I can't do this anymore"
"I quit... maybe someone might pity me"

Looking at that, when we have a perfect mind and body, complain that we cannot do this and that and we start making noise so that people may start having a pity on us. But truly, is that what we want? People to pity us? Or do you prefer that you don't have the problem that is in front of you? Or perhaps you want to have the ability or power to overcome the problem?

To me, I rather have the ability to overcome my problem rather than complaining out loud to everyone. I have actually nothing about complaining problems as I have done to some people. But I would normally only confine to a single person rather than a lot of people. I never did like to tell the world my problems, it makes me look pitiful and that I need everyone to hear about it.

Do we really need to be pity in the end? Indulging in self-pity like a big scoop of ice cream, do we really want that?

Bit down...

Bit feeling a bit more than the usual downess lately. It's this feeling where I get left out in a few things and there just kinda makes me feel erm left out. Sometimes, I struggle with my inner thoughts and wonder why am I being left out.

"Maybe I'm not really liked around."
"Maybe they find me too far to contact."
"Maybe I'm no longer wanted?"
"Maybe I grew distant?

This questions and statements tend to hound me whenever I feel left out. It's just sometimes I wonder why we even need friendships. As they tend to grow apart, as time take place. So far, I have yet to find one that really I mean really sticks to me and you know ask on how I am and catch-up.

It feels like I'm really alone sometimes and it's getting harder to deal with such things since the mind has a lot of more questions and possible answers. It's a pain to see friends going or hanging out with friends and you kinda watch from afar and wondered was it ever possible for me to be there with them and treated with like one of them?

I wondered if Grace felt it this way, but I know the ending for hers is a sad one. So how would I avoid such a end? It's always a pain to know that once the meeting or outing with friends is over, I feel that I probably will not have just great time with them anymore.

Maybe, it's after all this years of being alone and the feeling of being letdown too many times, that I became to always expect things to go downhill after a fun time? Maybe I am lack of attention that makes me feel this way. I'm rather tired and just wish I had some sort of emotional support that I can cling upon to.

Even I approached the exams and holidays with a heavy spirit knowing full well that I just won't be called out or even given a proper motivation for the next exams. It's just maybe that I'm mentally and physically stressed out inside of me.

I know I can place my hope in God, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. I think that doubt can play a role in such things.

Reflections

Don't you ever wonder why this blog has rarely have sort of emo entries? I can tell you why. This is because the author tends to think about this in his head rather than letting it all out. At times, he doesn't say because he either nowhere near a pen and paper to write or he's just bottled it up.

Why does the author bottled up his emotions? This is because he grew up learning to keep things inside. Is kinda like a reflex muscle or an automatic action he does to himself. The answer is simple: he grew up alone.

He didn't had a sibling to talk to much. He has only a "sister" who isn't his a biological one yet has to call her one. She's hard to talk to sometimes as she is ten years older and at times hard to talk to. Parents can't always relate to you the best answers. He didn't really trust in God and he didn't talk to Him often. Only offering mechanical prayer at times of needs. He envies people who has a great relationship with their siblings even though he knows sometimes they can be a pain. But yet, he yearns for one.

He grew weary about his friends. Wondering or not, is he really a person they want to pick around with? The author feels that another cycle is approaching. The same cycle he went through last year. He tries not to think about it, but yet his hearts is constantly being stabbed. As he types this out, he wonders how some of his friends didn't fulfilled their promises to him. That being said, he wonders again how some of his school friends have started to shun him away. Or maybe it was because he was not that important anymore?

At times he wonders whether or not, to simply just remain bottled up as usual. Somehow, he has survive this long years by putting it all up within him. Can he carry up with his life he wonders?

How he yearns for a good friend that can always be there at times. He thinks he has one but he isn't sure anymore. How he longs also for a sibling that looks up to him at times. But will he ever get one? Will he receive such attention?

He tried to find peace by reading the poem he put in his blog. Yet, he doesn't feel any better. He seeks songs that will lift him up. He finds the correct song but doesn't want to listen to it in fear of crying over a silly thing.

In the end, he just wants a friend who is there all the time...
A sibling that looks up to him and enjoys being in the company of him.
He years for companionship.........

That is how Yeow Zim Sen feels tonight...
In all,
he's tired of everything...
He needs someone that will help him out at times like these...

I'm alive?

Yes, I'm still alive. Well it's a brand new year. I do have mix feelings about it. Starting a new year again. As I began to reflect, I realize my 2007 year was really a year of transaction. I moved on to my college years and began to realize how different live is outside the four corners of school.

My journey is rather been a huge roller coaster ride. I had like three major events where my life like hit right to the bottom. First of all would be my rub in with my peers, something I didn't expect. Then my accident with a motorcyclist, wonder what happen to him. Also losing my w880i phone, totally unexpected. Ending with losing a RM20,000 cash cheque at the end of the year.

Even though I had hard times. I still had some great moments in the year. Things like Pre-U Getaway, moving into DC, getting involved in the security minister, getting past the year safely. Yeah, guess I'm should be thankful how the last year was a hard but a good year in my life.

Seen a lot of changes everywhere, including me. Changes such as friends, places, my look on life. How I strive to better person for myself, and the people around me. Well,who would have thought my 19 year in my life would be so eventful. Oh well, to greater things ahead. Cheers...

(Okay Jon, now you can lay off those blue m&ms, since I updated it already. Now go bother Pheebs.)

-ZS-

It Rained...

Have you ever wondered why God use rain to destroy mankind? That question came to my head as I was driving today. Why not use fire? He could have ask Noah to just hide in a cave and shut himself up.

But in the end, God did sent the rain to earth. I remembered playing a game once, and one of the NPC (Non-Playable Characters) said that rain was to cleanse the body. But the body, cannot be cleansed thoroughly. As I sit here typing out this post, I think of how dirty and unworthy I am towards God. So many times I told myself I would get my heart right with God, yet so many times I failed him.

Lately, I been doing more thinking than usual. I always think of what if I did this instead of that, or what if I had never took that road that leads to where I am now? Then I realize, there are endless possibilities. For all I know, I could have taken 1 wrong step and end up a situation worse than I am now. I could also be in a better place right now. So the more I wondered, I realize I should not be thinking about it.

But if I had taken another road, I might not be what I am today. But there is an assuring quote that reminds me. It is the statement that my Malaysian Studies lecturer told me and the rest of the class.

"My dear friends, everything happens for a reason."
Mr. Warren Lau

I guess there is a truth in that. The things that happen around us, the things that we all see and do, will always have a reason. As I think about things that happen around me, things like failing a test which I just had. I tell myself, I can learn from what I did or I choose not to. See, I believe that every time we come upon a stumbling block or a bad time. We can learn from it, or, we could simply choose not to.

Reflections...