As I lay in my bed, unable to sleep but awake enough to have thoughts just swimming in my head. Like everyone does, I'm sure every now and then there are some nights where we just can't sleep because of something that bothers us.
Such as tonight, I ponder who am I?
To some, I'm quite the cynical, jerk and mean person to some.
While others, I'm appear to be somewhat as a normal individual with a few deep thoughts every now and then.
But here I am, unable to sleep because I ponder on who am I?
I know for a fact that I cannot be the nice guy that I sought for years back. I believe that nice guy has gone for a long journey and probably will never return.
I often see myself holding both a light and a darkness in my hands. I know that I could never be the person full of light all the time nor can I ever become the darkness that I hold. Maybe it was because I almost killed a man and that's when the change slowly happens. Or was maybe it was when someone told me of his struggles in life that not everything will always be positive in life and there is a time when I feel like I could do the extreme because no one else can do it but me.
But I know for sure, that I'm no longer a nice guy. Because in reality, nice guys are going to finish last and I won't look back on that road. I know there is a verse tied to whomever is first will be last and last will be first, but to me I couldn't care less about that.
I also think that God is somehow preparing me for something huge to come. I feel that the last 7 years has become what is known as the preparation for something in the coming 3 years. It almost feels like I can do something because I have almost nothing to lose.
It is human nature to want man's approval. We crave it and we need it. There is no denying that. I for one is an example of that. I sorely wish for something from someone but I dare not move or act because I choose to honor God first and I paid the price for it. It made me a hard, colder person who doesn't expect anything from anyone. And so I numb myself by becoming who I am today. Not optimistic about people at times and always ready for disappointments.
Do I cling unto hope? Maybe. I'm beginning to lose sight of my goals and cease to just live everyday as it is. No longer expecting God also to provide yet knowing he does. Truth is, I don't know my Father in heaven. I no longer yearned for His touch, I no longer crave for His presence at times and I know He knows that I go through.
Some of you might conclude now that I suffer from depression or that I have changed a lot to something even darker than what I was. Truth is, I think I allow myself to sink into this pit just to test God. But some say "Don't test God." But my reasoning is that I won't know who God is until I lower myself to a level where I truly know darkness. As the saying goes, "To know the light, one must know the darkness," and I truly believe that.
Try as I might, I cannot be too overly cheerful anymore nor overly optimistic about life anymore. I simply exist each day, believing that my strength is carrying me because who really remembers God everyday now? But at the end, I look at myself 5 years ago before I started my college years, I have changed from:
An emotional-moved to a logic-base person.
Believing in the best of people to skeptical of people
From a cheerful person to a person who is colder and harder on life
Being a really nice guy to a "lawfully good" person with a broken moral compass
I may change in the future, or I may not because I'm comfortable where I am. I like it here, where I don't have to worry about what others think about me anymore or what some perceived me to be.
I don't know how long I will remain in this desert but I do know that it stretches for miles in each direction and I don't see the way out. Maybe one day a trickle of hope will just flow into me again to begin the healing process. But for now, that hope that I have been clinging on is slowly disappearing.
My apologies if this blog post seems clustered and confusing. I choose to write as I go along as this is just how my heart speaks to me. To those who came here because of a message, it is because I trust you. I do not expect sugar coated words nor I do not wish harsh criticism from anyone. You are here because I trust that you would help me seek to understand what kind of man I have become and hope that would continue to bear with me till that day comes.
Cheers.
-ZimS-
